Break ke baad

Hey Guys,

Am going to get lost for a while. Will resurface next month, hopefully with more A-musing observations.

Till then


May-hem..A Month That Was

The month saw an increasing number of our politicos getting inspired by Baba Ramdev. Quite a few of them are now trying to put their foot in their mouth with varying degrees of success. Jairam Ramesh went international and demonstrated this amazing feat with his effusive commentary in Beijing on the home ministry’s misplaced paranoia. Far from getting applauded for his carefully cultivated bonhomie with the Chinese, he received a swift rap on his knuckles. He is now sulking in silence. Nitin Gadakari not wanting to be left behind likened a couple of his fellow parliamentarians to the canine variety. The BJP president’s comparison of SP Chief Mulayam Singh Yadav and RJD supremo Lalu Yadav to dogs kowtowing to the Congress, evoked howls of protests. Gadakari is now busy licking his own wounds.

Our desi export Mallika Sherawat is also making friends, but of a slithery-slimy variety. The actor desperately promoting her latest flick Hiss at Cannes got cozy with live snakes during a photo call. The snake union has launched a complaint with PETA.

Talking about friendly neighbours, Pakistan took their new found love for Sania-bhabi to new levels. The tennis star has appeared on packets of a gutka brand, with the punch line “tazgi bhara ho ang ang, jab Sania bhabi gutka sang”. Wonder what Sania’s reaction is to this wonderfully fresh idea?

Ten Ways To Hitch A Ride To Heaven

“Concerned at the drastic drop in violence levels in Jammu & Kashmir, Pakistani authorities are now offering a pay hike to Kashmiri terrorists....from 5000 a month to 8000-10000 now” The Times of India

Think about it, people. It is 48 degrees in Gurgaon. There is no electricity. There is no water. Your European vacation is waylaid by this volcano in - of all places - Iceland. Might as well just give up and go back to your roots. To the One who plonked you in the middle of all this. India offers a unique blend of traditional and modern ways of making this trip, aided in part by our friendly neighbours.

1. Shop till you drop. Go hunting for that noodle strap top in Sarojini Nagar, or that killer choli in Lajpat Nagar on a crowded weekend, preferably near festival days. You have the option of a Hindu or a Muslim bomb going off in the garbage can next to you just as you are polishing off that plate of steaming hot momos with the lethal red sauce. Spicy!

2. Contact Ram Sene for Rent-a-riot services. Let’s say, you are an artist looking for that big break. For a fee, Muthalik will arrange a riot-worthy chief guest at your exhibition, conduct the riot to your specifications, fracture your leg (the break that you needed), and offer a complimentary ride in an ambulance to the farthest government hospital. If the riot did not kill you, the hospital will. A perfect frame.

3. Try the railways. Of the several options available, the latest one is to just go to the station and wait for the announcement that your train is now coming in platform 23 instead of platform 1, leaving in 5 minutes. What will ensue is not a stampede, as you may think. It is merely Indians, who are prone to ‘tripping’ as Mamata Didi has so eloquently put it, that will trample on you, crushing your bones, lungs and heart into dough that can be easily transported to your loved ones in a Maggi Noodle carton, by Registered Post, Acknowledgement Due.

Rakhi Sawant at Cannes

Everybuddy is talking about Aishwarya and Deepika at Cannes. These ladies are just standing on some rad carpet and getting their photo-shoto clicked. Arre bhai, yeh Canne kya hai, mujhe bhi batao? The moment I come to know it is not a body part, I tell my agent, meraa bhi ticket book karao, abhee. I am Rakhi Sawant, India’s item queen. Who is this Mallika Sherawat, posing in her petticoat-blouse, giving mouth to mouth to snakes? What she can do I can do batter. I can do a lot of other things with snakes. People talking about boob-quake? My jhatka-matkas have moved Bihar to UP and UP to West Bangaal. Only Rakhi Sawant, full-full Desi girl deserves to be at Cannes.

Buss aur kya, I sat in the plane. I asked a passenger, Cannes waali plane hain naa? Wake me up when Cannes comes. I am so tired naa, dancing non-stop, acting non-stop, dramabaazi non-stop. But what to do, when you are the Amitabh Bachchan of Indian television: yeh sabh karnaa parta hai.

I have heard Cannes has a film festival, where big-big stars & big-big directors come. I will ask for a full frontal meeting with Martin Scorcee-cee. I can also try for, in your face meeting with Tarantino, the basterd director. Salaa, he is just like me, poor in spellings, calls his film Ingluorious Basterds. He makes dhishum-dhishum movies, I will tell him, you must have a Rakhi item number in your next movie. I also want to ask Russel Crow...arre, why crow, dirty black, ugly bird. Why not Russel Cock, Russel Peacock? So many beautiful-beautiful birds to choose from.

Am I?

Am I versatile or am I not? Atleast someone seems to think so. Hey Karan thanks a ton.

The Secret Diary of Nitin Gadha-kari

Zindagi kaisee yeh paheli haye....How well I sang this classic Manna Dey number, at our strategy session in Indore. Like a koel I crooned and managed to floor everybody with my gaana-bajana: from Rajnathji to Advaniji everyone was looking at the floor. Had Anu Mallik ji been there, he would certainly have conferred the title of Indian Idle on me. Maybe I’ll ask him to join BJP, we are on the look-out out for young at heart, idle people anyway.

Kabhi Ye hasayen...... That December day seems just like yesterday. My mouth was full with gulabjamuns when the phone rang. Tumahre mooh mein ghee shakkar aur kayee kayee gulab jamun, I told the bearer of the good news. There was stunned silence on the other end. I became mad with happiness, party president at the tender age of 52! But I have to let you in a secret; the news came as a surprise to many including me. But what to do, you do what your elderly elders want. They wanted to infuse the party with fresh blood, I said no problem ji, I will turn my blood to water for the party. Waise bhi my blood pressure is high. Agreed, it is a lot of weight to carry on my shoulders, but I am no stranger to weight problems. He he he.

Life has been fun opposing and deposing. We thought we’ll cut the government’s kite, with the cut motion. Par that brother-in-law (salaa), double faced Soren, runs his government on our support, but when the time came to show his loyalty, he goes and wags his tail for the Congress. Busss aur kya, we told him our honeymoon is over, no more sleepovers. You can pack your bedding and look for other sleeping partners. But it’s tough to find new partners at this old age and now he’s stuck with us. Our cat mewing at us only?

Love Manufactured

You met at the gym. He was pumping iron, you were on your 53 rd crunch, counting furiously, panting. Your eyes met and he smiled, your heart skipped a beat. You fell in love with beefcake. Ok, you first fell in love with his muscles, the soul followed later. By that time it was too late. You’ve been together for over 5 years now. His favourite position is umm... in front of the television. You always fight over the remote, why he can’t pitch in household chores, why he’s such a slob and how dare he forget your mum’s birthday. You can’t remember the last time he brought you flowers or even gave you a big warm hug. His idea of celebration is a raucous night out with boys, while you would rather have a quiet dinner with Bach playing in the background. Damn he can’t even spell Bach right. You are as different as chalk and cheese. Too bad there’s no such thing as an exchange policy.

But wait, there’s good news. Researchers have just answered your prayers and come up with a magical oxytocin spray. This nasal spray popularly known as the cuddle spray is capable of turning the most macho hunks into mushy, gooey creatures. What exactly is oxytocin in the first place? It is a mammalian hormone which evokes feeling of contentment and reduces anxiety - capable of transforming your low-on-EQ man into an empathetic soul, happy to be in touch with his feminine side. From pain in the ass to the highly coveted metrosexual man in 5 seconds flat. No more fighting for the remote, he will now be only too happy to watch “Gray’s anatomy” with you. The other day you spent nearly 3 hours at the Mango store, trying on their new summer collection - how can you decide, without trying all of them? He smiled through the ordeal and even made faces when he didn’t like the outfit. He looked so cute. And when you told that to him later over a cup of coffee, he hugged you so tight, you almost choked on your coffee.

The Secret Diary of Hairam Ramesh

Picture courtesy Outlook Magazine
I love Chinese, always have since I was a young boy. Claypot Chicken, sesame vegetable stir fry, sticky rice....yummy yummy yummy. Also love “made in China” goodies. There’s an element of surprise attached to all things Chinese. It works! -is always your first reaction. So what wrong did I do in Beijing? I just said what I have been saying all these years, the only difference, a lot of people heard it. Chiddi and his bunch of boys suffer from a deep paranoia, wonder why? Just when I send BFF cards to my new found Chinese buddies from Copenhagen, the government goes ahead and spoils the party with its needlessly restrictive, alarmist approach. Grow up boys, your suspicious attitude is spoiling my specially created bonhomie with our neighbours.

Far from encouraging my friendly spirit, I get a rap on my knuckles AGAIN. I am no stranger to getting rapped. I had a simple dream of getting rid of worms, not from me silly, from brinjals. And look what they did? They accused me of being a Monsanto agent! I will not listen to you, you- badly- in- need- of- genetic- modification nincompoops!

Beauty knows no language

Mandi, Himachal Pradesh

An un-fair psyche

Last weekend lolling around in a Delhi mall, I spotted a reputed skin clinic’s counter. Do you stock exfoliating scrubs? Yes ma’am we do, but all the tubes I was shown were endowed with magical whitening-brightening formulas. No thank you, I’m happy with my dark skin, can’t I have an old fashioned scrub that will not mess with my melanin production? I walked off empty-handed.

In a light-skin fixated nation like ours, most skin care products have a hidden fairness agenda. From your humble soap, to your moisturiser or even your body cream. Walk in to your local salon and they will offer unsolicited advice and quick fix solutions to your so-called dusky skin woes. It seems as if the whole world is conspiring against your melanin production. In the future, it’s quite possible that we’ll have ACs that release fairness inducing ions, or a wet cleansing tissue that lightens your skin tone with every wipe. Picture this - the dusky and ‘how can she be happy’ dame gets back home after a long gruelling day at the office. She wipes her makeup off with ‘whitewash’ cleansing tissues, takes one long look at herself (I hate me, her heart sobs), switches on her new ‘LG-furiously fair’ AC and drops off to sleep. Morning, she wakes up and is dazzled by her own, much improved reflection. She reaches office, her by-now-fair avatar has her colleagues swooning in ecstasy, the boss takes one long look at her, gives her a shy smile and hands her the long overdue promotion. She lives happily ever after.

Happiness on a budget

It was our first vacation as a married couple. The honeymoon doesn’t count as one, does it? Those were the days when we were perennially broke, yet giddy with happiness. We were inseparable, oblivious of each other’s faults and viewed the world around us through rose-tinted glasses. The much-in-love couple wanted to escape the Delhi heat and zeroed in on Pachmarhi – little known, unsung, located somewhere in Madhya Pradesh. Sounded perfect. Who needs crowds when we had each other for company?

This was the pre-internet era and vacations could not be planned and booked at the click of a mouse. Tickets had to be purchased physically; a mandatory visit to the tourist office was required for information. Pachmarhi is not the most conveniently located. An overnight train ride to the little known Pipariya followed by a few hours on the road would take us to this hill station.